Press Conference in Review

No issue was off limits at Yesterday’s tension-filled press conference. Delegates from around the world gathered to voice their opinions and take the heat of various pointed questions and accusations. All countries were in attendance, save the absence of the small Middle Eastern nation of Jordan. Throughout the conference, most delegates danced skilfully around the issues, avoiding conflict at all costs. Only a select few firmly made their stance known, provoking uproars and bitter scoffs with their statements.

The conference began with a lethargic United States bashing its own administration. When asked to comment on the recently passed health care reform, Vice President Joe Biden`s only response was: "We`re glad that we finally did something... Obama finally did something."

USA also claimed that their main interests now were overseas in the Middle East; mediating conflicts, fighting terrorism, and basically sticking their nose in everyone else’s business. While it’s nice to be concerned in international issues, Obama needs to consider whether they can really afford to be spending so much time and money overseas while the American economy itself is so damaged.

A hot issue throughout the conference was the recent arctic sovereignty dispute between Canada and Russia. Putin made many snide, bitter comments regarding Canada and their incompetence, making sure to reiterate to the world delegates that Russia is a proud nation that will not stop until they have obtained the power that they seek.

Canada’s response was utterly bleak in comparison, as the ‘peaceful-nation-that-could’ proved that they just plainly CAN’T keep up. Canada has made inconsequential plans to fortify their portion of the Arctic, with non-threatening military training facilities and the doe-eyed intimidation of “taking any nation we see as a threat to international court,” Stephen Harper himself even dismissed the legitimacy of his nation’s government & power as he was quoted in saying: “A new and hopefully more stable government will come to power if they vote against our minority.” Harper plainly conceded that his minority government is non-threatening as he has no decision making ability, and he should, in fact, be overthrown. With an attitude like this, it is a wonder that Russia has not raised a flag atop of the Canadian parliament buildings yet!

Of course, tensions between Israel and Palestine were nearly tangible as the respective delegates sat staring daggers at each other across the room. Iran broke the silence as Israel sat down, “Aren’t those seats reserved for countries?” Iran continued to explain its disdain for Israel -or occupied Palestine- using elaborate metaphors to disguise the inherent threats they were making: “We’ve allowed this massive tree to sink its roots into Palestine land & absorb all of its water and nutrients, but beware; a storm is comming soon, and this storm WILL take down this tree.”

Israel was no better with President Shimon Peres practically advertising that they have nuclear weapons, and are willing to use them if the situation calls for it. “If a country comes out with nuclear weapons , we should too” and “Trying to gain nuclear power is a must right now.”

In other news, India shocked its alliance with Israel by singing songs of empathy to Palestine. Israel urges India to remember their strong relationship, and Israel claims to be “deeply hurt and surprised by this sudden alliance.”

China tactfully evades any questions of impending hegemony as they defend their nation’s conduct. China seems to have a different definition of the word ‘genocide’ and the word ‘stealing’, as they claim that the Sudanese exploitation is not immoral in their eyes, and neither is stealing American innovations. China needs to quit hiding behind the title of “developing country” and own up to their actions, but the obstinacy of their government makes the prospect nearly impossible.

Many words were said in the conference, many statements were remembered. In Today’s open debate we will find out if anyone’s words will come back to haunt them.

Lauren Mascitelli
The Broadcast Notebook
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